I hate that...

I hate that I cannot commit to things sometimes. I guess some things just hold my interest more than others. When I find myself interested in something, my passion flares up. There is nothing in the world but me and whatever it happens to be at the time. I want to feel that passion all of the time, but I often find it fades too fast. It is too easy to let it slip away. I have felt like this for two years now. I hate that for two years, I have only five entries in this blog. Another good intention that I let lie in neglect.

What I really want is to feel alive again. What do you do when you come to the realization that you have not been truly, completely happy for four years? Sure, I have had some great times and I don't mean to imply that I have wallowed in depression. Although, I must admit, there were certainly moments of wallowing. The last time that I knew where my life was going, I had no regrets, and I felt all of my needs were completely fulfilled was four years ago though. I know that it may be a lot to ask for, but I had that once. Without it, I can still feel and there is still much good for which I am grateful. It is, however, accompanied by an emptiness that weighs heavy upon my subconscious. I don't always feel it, but it is always there.

Tonight, my clarity of mind has allowed me to grow comfortable with being at peace but not entirely whole. This scares me, because I do not wish for my mind to become complacent with my current situation. I feel like I am not reaching my potential. My life has very little meaning at the moment. Everything that I really love is just around the corner, but out of sight. I need to make a concerned effort to improve myself; to start bringing my love for life back; to find things to fill the emptiness. But therein lies t he problem. Lately, each passionate pursuit only covers that feeling, it never fills it. When the passion fades, I feel like my glass of wine again; empty, but with a faint aroma, a reminder of the unadulterated joy of my past.

I have dated a bit. I have had many girls express interest in me. Some of them were really good people. Some of these women have had real potential. All of them have fallen flat in my eyes. I do not know if I turn them away because they are not the love of my past and I hold them to an unreachable standard. I just know that I am looking for the kind of love that once filled my life. That love which carved a space deep inside my soul, causing its absence to be felt in ways that made it impossible to ignore.

It is more than the love of a good woman that I seek. I am looking to love myself as well. I don't feel that I make a difference at my job, I am without someone with whom I can completely relate, I miss performing community service, I have so many goals and projects left undone. I need to fill my emptiness a little at a time. I need to reclaim myself, to declare who I want to be and become that person. I know I can, I just cannot think of how.

The first step will be to remove the baggage in my life. I have a girlfriend at the moment, with whom I do not see a future. I need to free myself of that situation, but I have trouble doing it. She is sweet and kind. She needs someone in her life right now and I feel horrible about not wanting to be that person. I am making myself fill that position out of sense of duty, out of kindness, out of pity, but most of all, out of not being man enough to confront the problem head on. Well, if I am going to make changes in my life, I had better start showing more courage. The next step will be to find a new job. This may take a while in this horrible economy. While I work on that, it is time to get back in shape. A better diet and much more exercise will make me feel better for sure. I have a lot of thinking to do, but I cannot forget to act while I am thinking. Without action, thought is wasted.

I just don't want to be back here in another year, saying that it has been five years since I have been truly, completely happy. I want at that point to feel that I am at least on my way to building that life I know I am capable of living.

Lucky Dragon Cloud Yixing Teapot

This is a picture of my favorite Yixing Tea pot! It is called "Lucky Dragon Cloud" and was made by Mr. Qian Xing Cu, craft master, in conjection with Ms. Jiang Liang Xian, associate craft master. They were honored with the copper prize at the China Arts Great Masters Exhibition in 2002 for this stunning YiXing teapot design. Qian Xing Cu is a member of the China Jiangsu Industrial Arts Association.

I absolutely love it. At 14 oz, it is larger than your average Yixing. It fills a mug nicely. WHile the picture does it no justice at all, you can still see that it is beautiful and it gets more attractive with use. The craftsmanship is really evident on this pot. It has incredible detail. Each hair on the dragon's head and tail is clearly defined. The ball on the top rotates. It has a good sound, feels nice, and pours great. One of the problems you can get with a teapot that is not made by hand is that the lids often don't have a perfect fit. This lid is perfect, as evidenced by the flow from the spout stopping immediately and completely upon depressing my finger over the hole in the top of the lid.

It was not cheap, but totally worth it. For those who are unfamiliar with Yixing, here is a quick explanation of why it is so special. A Yixing teapot is made from a special type of clay (Zisha, or purple sand clay) found in a certain region in China. It naturally has a beautiful color and high iron content. The iron causes the pot to keep the water temperature fairly stable, making it very suitable for tea. What makes this clay extra special, though, is its porous nature. The inside (and often the outside) is left unglazed before firing. This preserves the pores, creating a surface that can be "seasoned" like stone bake ware. For this reason, it is recommended that you only brew one type of tea in that pot, so that with each use, the tea becomes more flavorful and aromatic. Theoretically, a pot that has been in use for a decade or two will no longer require the use of tea leaves at all. At that point, the pot will make fine tea with just hot water. This is the pot that Chinese tea masters consider to be the ideal implement for brewing their tea. There are many handmade Yixing wares produced by skilled craftsmen using traditional methods and superior clay, but demand has also led to inferior clay being used to mass produce teapots out of molds. The later are often nice looking pieces, but are of significantly diminished quality. Only handmade Yixings will be really collectible investment pieces and will make the best tea.

This Yixing is dedicated to Dragonwell green tea. Sometimes you see this called Lung Ching or Long Jing, depending on who is translating the Chinese characters. It is a beautiful Jade color and tastes full and round. It can be a little grassy, like most green teas, but is not overbearingly so. It has a unique nuttiness as well. All in all, a very mellow cup. It also happens to be one of the most popular teas in China, ensuring that I will be able to get my hands on enough of it over the years at a reasonable price to dedicate my favorite Yixing pot to it. Traditionally a gift for emperors and dignitaries, this wonderful tea pairs nicely with the pot.

Thoughts on Tea

Tea is one of those things that helps make sense of the world.

Tea takes time and there is a right way to do it. What is “right” for you may be similar to what works for many others, but is ultimately a personal choice.

Patience and care are rewarded with satisfaction. The process of doing things right can be a beautiful thing, even an art form.

If you are overly hasty, the experience is bland and watered down.

If you are careless or under-attentive, things end up getting bitter.

No matter what life throws your way, just approach it like tea. Take your time to think things out, to act and speak carefully and thoughtfully, and to live with a sense of inner peace. Then when you have done it correctly, you have earned the right to sit back and enjoy it.

Take two...

Well, my first blog attempt was a failure. In the time since my last blog I have lived 5 different places and encountered many life changing people/events. A brief recap of this, with more to follow when it lends itself to the topic of the day.

While awaiting the end of my non-compete agreement in Albany, NY, I had encounters with several girls. Some were horrible, some were good. I worked at Diamond 8 Billiards, where I tended bar, repaired cues, and manned the front counter. Good times. I was told that I was WAY overqualified for the job. I agreed, but told the owner that it would be more for amusement and a supplemental income than as a career. So that went really well. Lots of drunken karaoke.

I managed to do some projects that were based out of Washington, D.C. that took me out of the country.

I am now living in Franklin, TN. Being just outside Nashville is not what I envisioned for myself, but it was a good offer. Jack Barnett invited me to join him at American Bank Note Company. It is a large security printing company and also happens to own the world's largest plastic card manufacturer. I really like the work. My first big project was managing the production of the credentials for the Democratic National Convention. That project went really well. They invited me out to the convention in Denver.

I started living in the area between Brentwood and Antioch, TN. This was a less than desirable location, living with two losers in their late 30's. After a month, I moved to Franklin. I was living with Daniel(21) and Nick(19). They were OK, but not great to live with. I may not be much past that age, but those few years have made a huge difference in maturity and hygiene. Two and a half months later, Barbara, Daniel's mother told me that I had to leave. She got kicked out of her house by her husband of 5 months and had no money and nowhere to live. She moved in with us, which is against the lease that we had signed. Then I had two weeks to find a place to live. I moved in with my friends Jeremy and Jessica a few doors down for the month of July.

Barbara, known amongst my circle as CB, manages to destroy or discard $300 worth of my property during the process of me moving out. She gave me my security deposit back, but refuses to compensate me for any of the rest of my stuff. She also refuses to talk to me about it because she claims that she cannot have any stress in her life due to having had cancer. Typical CB BS. The chemotherapy got the cancer, so she doesn't have it anymore. Plus, she uses that as an excuse for EVERYTHING. "I can't provide you with a copy of the utility bills because I have cancer." Seriously? Whatever. She is one of those people who always has to be the victim and has come off as a worse person for dealing with her hardship. After seeing so many people face cancer head-on and become such better people, it is a shame to see someone like her who uses it as a crutch, an excuse, and as a trump card when she doesn't have a reasonable explanation for her horrible behavior. Needless to say, I am taking her to small claims court.

Now I live with my wonderful friend Melissa DeWitt! She totally rocks. We still live in Franklin. She went to culinary arts school, so she can relate to the foodie in me and help me take that appreciation to new levels. I am reciprocating by teaching her about tea! She is 6 months younger than me and we can really relate to each other. It is so surreal having a good roommate. I'm not going to complain about it though, I just plan to enjoy every minute of it!

Dreaming of the Life

Tonight did not go as planned. A rather boorish girl begged to hang out with me tonight. After running out of excuses, I agreed to meet her somewhere, assuming that it would be easy to slip out and get home. After all, I had to be up at seven in the morning to go to work and needed some sleep. When I went to meet her, she said that we could not hang out there and had to leave. Being a Sunday night, the options were hanging out in my car or at my house. I was starting to feel a setup coming on.

As I was dreading the thought of attempting to carry on a discussion with this girl, I offered to put on a movie. Bad move. She has the attention span of a two year old. After burping extremely loudly several times, she tried to engage in a wrestling match. She then proceeded to bounce around on the couch and play with the toys belonging to my toddler niece. While I wanted to do nothing more than get her to leave so that I could get some sleep, she refused to go. When I finally handed her shoes and coat to her, saying that she needed to leave within the next few minutes, she tried to kiss me. Some people just refuse to back down. She said that she wanted me to sleep with her, but that it would have to wait until next weekend, as she was on her period. I had better find somewhere to hide next weekend. Having gone far beyond flattering, her tenacity is venturing into stalker-like behavior.

I need a decent girl so that I can ward off these crazy girls with the ever effective “You are very nice, but I have a girlfriend” line. Well, for that and to stay my loneliness. I have, as of late, been a magnet for girls of inferior quality. They either lack class, beauty, or brains. Sometimes even a combination or all three of these important qualities. My last relationship was far from perfect, but almost anything is better than this crap. The few girls of acceptable quality whom I have come across tend to have outside issues that keep us from being able to have any kind of a normal relationship. I cannot wait to move. Starting fresh in a new city – new job, new apartment, and new girls. I’m dreaming of the life, when I know that I could be living the dream.

A Blog Was Born

This is my first foray into the world of blogging. Greatly fueled by boredom with my location and my life – a blog was born. Sure to be filled with self-indulgent ramblings, I hope to be able to give you insight into my world. As an added benefit, this will make it easier to write my autobiography after becoming famous. So…enjoy!!!