I hate that...

I hate that I cannot commit to things sometimes. I guess some things just hold my interest more than others. When I find myself interested in something, my passion flares up. There is nothing in the world but me and whatever it happens to be at the time. I want to feel that passion all of the time, but I often find it fades too fast. It is too easy to let it slip away. I have felt like this for two years now. I hate that for two years, I have only five entries in this blog. Another good intention that I let lie in neglect.

What I really want is to feel alive again. What do you do when you come to the realization that you have not been truly, completely happy for four years? Sure, I have had some great times and I don't mean to imply that I have wallowed in depression. Although, I must admit, there were certainly moments of wallowing. The last time that I knew where my life was going, I had no regrets, and I felt all of my needs were completely fulfilled was four years ago though. I know that it may be a lot to ask for, but I had that once. Without it, I can still feel and there is still much good for which I am grateful. It is, however, accompanied by an emptiness that weighs heavy upon my subconscious. I don't always feel it, but it is always there.

Tonight, my clarity of mind has allowed me to grow comfortable with being at peace but not entirely whole. This scares me, because I do not wish for my mind to become complacent with my current situation. I feel like I am not reaching my potential. My life has very little meaning at the moment. Everything that I really love is just around the corner, but out of sight. I need to make a concerned effort to improve myself; to start bringing my love for life back; to find things to fill the emptiness. But therein lies t he problem. Lately, each passionate pursuit only covers that feeling, it never fills it. When the passion fades, I feel like my glass of wine again; empty, but with a faint aroma, a reminder of the unadulterated joy of my past.

I have dated a bit. I have had many girls express interest in me. Some of them were really good people. Some of these women have had real potential. All of them have fallen flat in my eyes. I do not know if I turn them away because they are not the love of my past and I hold them to an unreachable standard. I just know that I am looking for the kind of love that once filled my life. That love which carved a space deep inside my soul, causing its absence to be felt in ways that made it impossible to ignore.

It is more than the love of a good woman that I seek. I am looking to love myself as well. I don't feel that I make a difference at my job, I am without someone with whom I can completely relate, I miss performing community service, I have so many goals and projects left undone. I need to fill my emptiness a little at a time. I need to reclaim myself, to declare who I want to be and become that person. I know I can, I just cannot think of how.

The first step will be to remove the baggage in my life. I have a girlfriend at the moment, with whom I do not see a future. I need to free myself of that situation, but I have trouble doing it. She is sweet and kind. She needs someone in her life right now and I feel horrible about not wanting to be that person. I am making myself fill that position out of sense of duty, out of kindness, out of pity, but most of all, out of not being man enough to confront the problem head on. Well, if I am going to make changes in my life, I had better start showing more courage. The next step will be to find a new job. This may take a while in this horrible economy. While I work on that, it is time to get back in shape. A better diet and much more exercise will make me feel better for sure. I have a lot of thinking to do, but I cannot forget to act while I am thinking. Without action, thought is wasted.

I just don't want to be back here in another year, saying that it has been five years since I have been truly, completely happy. I want at that point to feel that I am at least on my way to building that life I know I am capable of living.